Writing Samples
The Road Less Populated: Austin's No Kidding!
By Chandra Moira Beal
Published in austinwoman magazine, February 2005
It's the day after Christmas and half a dozen people are sitting around an Austin bar enjoying happy hour. Conversation ranges from hobbies to movies to their latest travels. But none of them are talking about what the kids got for Christmas. In fact, they're here because they don't have children and don't want them, ever. No Kidding!
No Kidding! is a free, nonprofit social club for couples and singles who, for whatever reasons, are not parents. Founded in 1984 by Jerry Steinberg in Vancouver, British Columbia, No Kidding! now has hundreds of chapters around the world. Austin hosts one of the largest chapters, sponsoring several social activities every month where members talk about careers, studies, travels, hobbies, sex, politics, and religion, but rarely about children. The group is a mix of about half singles and half couples, ranging in age from their 20s to 50s.
Members have thought long and hard about parenthood and many have concluded, for reasons as varied as they are, that it just isn't right for them. Others may have children at some time in the future, but aren't ready just yet. Some wanted to have kids but were unable to. They have all joined No Kidding! to socialize with other adults who won't alienate or exclude them by talking about kids all the time.
Janet, the founder of the Austin chapter, started the group after her best friend got pregnant. As her friend's attention turned more and more toward children, their common interests divided and their friendship faded. To fill the social void, Janet joined a book club. When several members got pregnant, the conversation again turned from books to babies. She then created the Austin chapter of No Kidding! to have a social outlet.
One in five women of childbearing age today will not have children, a figure double that of women born in 1945. The parents of today's No Kidding! members were of a generation that didn't question having children. It was just what you did after you got married. There was more pressure to have children, whether pitying people who didn't have them or criticizing people who chose to remain childless.
Childbearing and childlessness are far more pressing issues in the lives of women than men, since they are connected to the way women think of themselves and the way they are seen socially by others. Many childless women report having to explain their childless status. The notion of remaining childless makes people uneasy. In part, that's because our sense of community is based on our sense of family. When you tell people that children aren't for you, they feel you're threatening society as a whole.
The factors leading people to remain childless range from those who never cared for the idea of becoming parents, to those who intended to when they were young but were unsuccessful.
"I just never wanted to have kids," says Judy, an Austin member. "I never liked to baby sit or play with dolls…I just didn't have any interest in children." When Judy vocalized her choice early in adulthood, the idea upset her parents as if it was a reflection on the quality of their own childrearing skills. Being the only girl, Judy felt pressured to provide grandchildren, whether she wanted them or not. As an adult, having strong opinions about not having children complicated Judy's dating life. "As soon as a guy started talking about children, that was it. I knew the relationship was over."
Mark, another member in his 40s, says, "I thought I would have children when I was younger, but as I got older it just didn't happen. Now that I'm in my 40s, I don't think I want to have children in high school when I'm ready to retire. I have nieces and nephews and I love being around them, but I'm glad they go home at night, too."
Janet's husband, Eric, takes a farsighted approach, choosing not to have children as part of creating a more livable, sustainable future.
"Overpopulation is destroying countries like China," he says. "Choosing not to have kids is part of bringing our planet back into balance."
Parental responsibility is seen as a huge and total commitment by all members around the table. Says Gary, the oldest member of the group at 55, "There isn't room for giving anything less than 100 percent to parenthood. When you already have to honor a commitment to a partner, to your parents, and to yourself, where do the kids fit in? I think the level of excellence in my relationships would be diffused if I had kids."
Judy's mother later confessed that had she known what she was really getting into with having kids, she would not have had them. Her husband's parents concur, saying the couple was "smart not to do what we did," which was to jump into parenthood without any real forethought.
Ask a random sampling of parents why they had children and you may hear a spattering of reasons that include "It just happened" or "It's a piece of immortality." Colin, one of the youngest members of the group, says that he always knew he had a choice about having children, but felt he had to have an exceptionally good reason to bring a child into the world. "Choosing to have a child has huge implications. I just never found a good enough reason to have kids."
In recent decades, sweeping social changes have made people more open to a variety of life patterns, removing some of the stigma once attached to remaining childless. But those without children are still seen as different from the norm.
Judy says, "Being childless means I'm usually the one asked to work on holidays. Because you have no family, people assume you are available and your needs are less important." Sometimes people assume a condescending attitude toward the childless. "We travel and see movies, we love animals and have lots of hobbies," says Judy. "Perhaps those who entered parenthood without much thought envy the no kids lifestyle."
The child-free are even disadvantaged by the tax code, which benefits married couples with dependents. Childless people help foot the bill for health insurance that is used to pay for health care for other people's children. There are no discounts for voluntarily getting a vasectomy, and many health insurance companies won't pay for birth control.
Society bombards us with the idea that children are a given. Our culture values children and sees them as essential to the good life as a big screen TV or a ski vacation. Kids are even seen as a status symbol, and you are incomplete without them. Gary says, "People see children as a god-given blessing, that you are blessed to have them and pitied if you don't. Most people don't understand that remaining childless is a choice."
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